Have you ever been made to choose?

[wicked3659]

Ok my fandom friends. One of my extremely rare journal posts. I would LJ cut but my phone is not that advanced.

Have you ever been made to or asked to choose between your love of TF (or whatever you maybe interested/fans of) and the one who supposedly loves you? In connection to that and more relevant to TF, has any of you ever been made to feel like a freak or been told you're not normal just because you write/read/draw TF's and can see them as fictional characters with personalities, lives, relationships? Those of you who do write/read smut/slash, have you been made to feel victimised, told you're weird, told that you're an embarrassment by your other half or someone close to you?

You see this is my problem. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I get into TF so much or how I can turn a cartoon character into a sexual being and write stories about it. I can't even so much as mention the word Transformers without him pulling a face. To him it's not normal, something wrong and considers it detrimental to our relationship. Now I am not the best girlfriend in the whole world but I spend time with him, show interest in his football team, cook for him (when I hate it) and I most certainly don't shove my interest down his throat. But yet he complains when I have nothing to talk to him about. He blames my tf interest for pulling me away from him, when in fact I think it's about jealously.

I have found something I'm not bad at, something I can contribute to, enjoy and it has given me one of the best friends I've ever had who I talk to about pretty much everything from across the world, something I can't do with him because he has a major squick about it and writing takes up a good part of my spare time, while still making time for him. So yeah I've changed. I'm as close to being happy as I can be, you could say I am reasonably content. So if it's having a positive effect on me, why is it so hard for him to accept?

So my fellow fans, have you had to encounter this sort of prejudice? How did you deal with it, did you ever choose to leave an interest behind for someone just because they wouldn't open up their mind a teeny bit?

Comments

[eerian_sadow]

my icon is totally relevant from a certain point of view. ;P

i wish i had good words for you. i really, really wish. i don't.

the only thing i can say is that i've been exactly where you are before (my fandom at the time was Final Fantasy) and as long as you are seeing to his needs, you're not in the wrong. you're right; he's jealous. not knowing him, i can't pinpoint exactly what he's jealous of--could be your ability, could be the fact that you've made friends, could be the fact that there's something that you feel that passionate about--but he is.

now, while you know there is a problem, is a good time to step back and evaluate the relationship. if he's not willing to compromise over something this small (and really it is small), what's he going to be like further down the road?

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Taking a step back is definitely something I need to do, hopefully that won't result in more accusations of me being distant. Thankyou and I like your icon :)

[antepathy.livejournal.com]

Well, first off, I've learned that whenever someone tries to force an ultimatum, that's a sign. 'X or me!' is a manipulative strategy. And if it works once, it'll work again. I once gave up all of my dearest male friends like that.He gave an ultimatum, I caved.

I lived to regret it because I was stranded basically with no friends, no emotional resources. AND he then went on to ultimatum me about a lot of things. He wanted me to not work. He wanted me to drop out of school. When I refused, everything bad in our relationship became *my* fault because I wasn't 'compromising'. When someone's definition of compromise is that YOU give up something and they give up nothing? It's BS. It's manipulation. And...he's obviously threatened by the fact that you're happy and not reliant on him for it.

That's about the tactic.

For me, what makes me happy is writing my stupid stories and reading other people's stories and looking at art and all the great things of TF fandom...it makes me happy. It doesn't interfere with my ability to hold down a job. It's not illegal. No one's getting hurt. So...what's the big deal? I could be watching Oprah obsessively or reading romance novels. That would be less offensive, I suppose. But writing is creative and makes me feel like a CONTRIBUTOR as much as a CONSUMER and that is something I find I really want/need.

I've had some judgment about writing from my coworkers--eurgh! Fanfic!!? Yeah, I'm not writing for the Kenyon Review like they are, but I don't have an MFA and I don't want to be famous. I just want to make my robots happy and maybe get people reading them to enjoy. Those who know I write robot porn are mostly disgusted. I don't care. You've heard my line about this: Jackie Collins and Danielle Steele and all of those authors write buckets of human smut and they are filthy rich AND respected. What do I, then, have to be ashamed of for doing the same thing?

Is it wrong to sexualize a cartoon character? To me, yeah, if they're kids. Like Sari. But robots are presumed to be adults (I do presume). I think it's wrongER, if I can make a distinction, to sexualize actual human being little girls. I saw a girl the other day at the supermarket. She was maybe 7 years old? She was wearing sweatpants with the word 'JUICY' written across the ass. Yeah. I bet every goddam pedophile in the store agreed. Me I was nauseated. I see for sale infant sized 'future porn star' t shirts. THAT is disgusting. Compared to that? Sexualizing adult robots is...nothing. Sexualizing children hurts real children. WHO gets hurt in sexualizing robots?

And we have great company in sexy-robots. The first android robots in literature and film (Hadaly and robot Maria from _metropolis_) were gendered female and presumed to be VERY VERY seductive. That's art. Metropolis is a classic movie. So...either it's a double standard (That it's art if you're sexualizing females) or people are stupid.

I vote choice B.

You know my feelings about this jerkball. And while some people might say a real human being is better than an imaginary robot...they may not be right. I learned the hard way (oh so hard) that sometimes you're better off being alone and lonely than with the wrong person.

[antepathy.livejournal.com]

HHahahahahaha my comment is longer than your post! I suck so hard!

(and I am avoiding grading the 'abortion is wrong mmmmkay' paper) O__o

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

You know I have actually used a lot of these points you've made here in actual arguments / attempts at explanation with him.

You've had to listen to me whinge about this the most (for a while now) and he does gradually just have phases where he's fine then BAM something will effect him emotionally and suddenly it's ALL my fault and tf's fault? Whut? 0.o

I did tell him last night that he blames me for everything he is unable to deal with emotionally and he will cling onto anything he doesn't understand in an attempt to hurt me because (due to my relatively unemotional demeanour) it's the only way he can get a reaction from me. I just wish he wasn't so emotionally stunted/immature then all this wouldn't be a problem.

We'll see. You'll undoubtedly know the eventual outcome to all this :P

[ldot-rivian.livejournal.com]

*agrees with eerian*

While I don't have/haven't had the problem you've got now, I don't think he quite knows who you are if he cannot see how important this is to you. I know that if I ever consider someone to date, before I agree to anything, they are going to be fully aware of what I write and have to there for me to bounce ideas off of. If they cannot, they won't be fully my other half.

It's a good thing you're not trying to force it on him, but have you talked to him about this displacement? It might help if you can get an idea of why he's squicked, like eerian said.

[ldot-rivian.livejournal.com]

*agrees with antepathy too* XD

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Oh believe me I've tried. Antepathy knows how much I've tried. Usually that's when I get accused of trying to shove it down his throat.

Now don't get me wrong he's a lovely guy really intelligent too, which is why I'm struggling to understand why it bothers him so much.

I fear I am fighting a losing battle and that hurts more than I like to admit. So tired of not being accepted for me.

Thankyou for your commenting. You guys respond so quickly, I am... touched :)

[aniay.livejournal.com]

My husband says all the time I'm sick because I Slash (generaly) and even more so when he realized I slash Transformers, what is worse, fellow slashers from other fandoms looks at me and see a freak.

Now my husband learned that it's best to leave me and my freaky hobbies. He just said to leave him out of it. Most of my friends know but I'm not saying anything to people who might judge me.

I never had to choose, it must be hard, but on the other hand your bf don't have to share your interests, as well as you don't have to share his. Find something that he likes and it bores the hell out of you and point it out, noting angry, just simply a fact. You are free to have your own hobbies. Wierd of borring.

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Yup I know things about football now that I would never have learned if it weren't for him i don't know I took an interest because it matters to him but yet he can't even let me be with it. Says I'm pulling away, when he acts like this though can he blame me, really?

Thanks for your comment too :)

[aprilraven.livejournal.com]

I'd agree with eerian, sounds like jealousy, and antepathy, that's manipulative as well.

While my hubby doesn't quite get robo-porn, he does know I enjoy the hell out of my Transformers, heh. He also doesn't begrudge me the time I spend with them.

One of my friends though, is an entirely different story. She has made fun of me, belittled me, poo-poo'ed(sp?) my interest up one side and down the other. She wonders why I waste my time writing 'that crap', and we won't even get into the fact that if I ever told her 'the crap' I was writing/have written included robo-porn, she would tell me to my face that I was a sick pervert going straight to hell, and probably not let her kids play with mine ever again.

So, yeah. Prejudice galore and closed mind like whoa.

I do think it takes creativity and some kind of an imagination to think outside the box of cartoon characters. Transformers are robots; they're also aliens. There's nothing new or different or shocking about what we're reading and/or writing. There is a long and time-honored tradition of alien love/porn in science fiction.

You found something you enjoy and you're not alone. It makes you happy, it hurts no one, stick with it.

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Awww thank you, your words mean a lot and in a strange way I'm glad that there are others out there who do have to put up with closed minds from people they're close to.

Shame people can't just accept people for who they are interests n' all. But that's me living in my little bubble I think.

[graycalls.livejournal.com]

Hmph. I agree with everyone above, this is a manipulation tactic, even if he doesn't know it, and if it works once, it'll happen again and again. Have you tried to sit down and talk to him about this? Maybe bring up the same points that you brought up here, and remind him that a relationship isn't very healthy, if only one person adapts to the other? I wouldn't know, having never been in a relationship, but, well, maybe try to express it in his terms? Maybe 'How would you feel if I said Football, or me'? I don't know. It's just my two cents on the issue.

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Thankyou :)

Yeah I've tried talking to him. We did finish the evening (last night) amicably but all I keep thinking is; until the next time. We shall see what happens I guess.

[kittenrinna.livejournal.com]

Yea actually.
This might sound a little harsh but this just happened to me and I'm trying to deal with it.
I was raped by a "friend" who while doing the deed said he picked me because girls that had Transformers Posters on their walls never got laid. :P
jerk.
Anyway, Transformers makes me far happier than him or any other person who's ever given me flack about it. So I just hold my head high and keep going.

[graycalls.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Jerk. What does he know, huh?

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

OMG *hugs*

What an absolute jerk!

I'm glad you still hold your head up high, you're stronger than me. But now I have found tf it will take hell and high water to make me give it up.

Even if that means letting go of the one who I love.

Thankyou for such an honest comment too, it's really touched me and helped put things in perspective. Thankyou :)

[ldot-rivian.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[antepathy.livejournal.com]

"he picked me because girls that had Transformers Posters on their walls never got laid. :P"

I could SO prove him wrong about that. What an idiot. *punches guy in the face*.

Sorry that happened to you.

Yes to the last part--TFs make me happier than anything (other than my cats), and they never make stupid demands of me. Other than to get them laid. ^__^

[mirage-shinkiro.livejournal.com]

I agree with several of the comments here: it is likely jealousy (of your time, which he seems to want to own), and it is *definitely* manipulation. If someone really loves you, they won't make you choose between them and something that makes you happy (well, assuming you aren't gambling or drinking away all your finances, of course). But TF fanfic? That is a harmless hobby. He may not "get it," but that is no reason to pressure you or dis you for it. And it has been a long-studied fact that fanfic writers often write because they need an intellectual need to be met and/or they need the communities ties/friendship it brings. It's an outlet for creativity and a place to bond with others. That is a core need of a human being and not something another can demand you give up. He's asking you to cut away part of who you are, and that is very wrong.

I have had a boyfriend get jealous over my involvement in fanfic in a past fandom. He didn't push it too far, but that didn't save him. He'd already run off all my friends. I agree not to cave in--if you do, what will be next? All your friends? I've walked that road, and it's hell.

Besides, doesn't he have hobbies? Are you asking him to give up watching ball games to spend more time with you? And if he did give up all his hobbies for you, that would indicate emotional illness on his part. Hobbies are a necessary avenue people need to expel emotion, make friends, and relax.

You just stand strong, girl!

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Thankyou your words help. As does everyone's comments here. It is comforting to know I'm not alone with this and that I am entirely validated in my argument with him. I refuse to give tf up we'll see if he backs off or if this becomes recurring. Don't think I can keep rehashing the same old argument.

It is sad and painful though because in a lot of ways he's right for me but if he doesn't accept this then he doesn't accept me. That's probably what hurts the most.

[mpinsky.livejournal.com]

I wish I could relate, but, seeing as I've never been in a relationship before, I can only offer you my point of view.

I agree that he is jealous, though about what, I don't quite know. If you are doing all these things for him, why can't he reciprocate? There has to be mutualism on both sides of the relationship. For example, my mom certainly isn't fond of my Dad's Sandra Bullock crush, and yet she fosters it anyways. Why? Because she loves him, just like he fosters her knitting obsession, even though it annoys him like no tomorrow.

If he is expecting you to hold the entire conversation, then that is his fault, not yours. Perhaps you could gently ask him, "So, what do you wish to talk about?" when he prompt you for conversation? To you, I suppose, TF is like his football team. You just like it.

Like others have said, it might be time to step back and look at where your boyfriend's priorities are. Sounds like yours are still in the right place. His, on the other hand, are not.

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Yeah I am hoping he comes round at the very least. It'd be nice if something I love didn't drive someone I love away.

We can't have everything we want I guess.

[velaquiel.livejournal.com]

Well, the best advice I can give is to do whatever makes you happy girl! I know you must be in a tough place right now but hang in there!

My bf had read my fics before and it's definitely awkward but he just teases me about it. When I'm not home he'll pose my TF action figures in sexual positions. XD

So I guess everyone reacts to it differently but your bf should be accepting of your talent and what you do. There's no harm in having some fun! <3

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what I said. I wish my bf was as relaxed as yours is about it posing the 'bots just sounds hilarious XD lol.

We'll see what happens. Hoping it won't all turn out for the worse.

[rachieb1807.livejournal.com]

Has he actually given you an ultimatum?! I can't understand why, there is absolutely nothing wrong with writing TF smut. I'm struggling to think what to write here because I am so mad at him. But honestly, I think that others are right, take a step back. Do what's right for you.

Rach xx

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Hey you welcome to LJ :)

His words were if I can make you choose I would. And he also said that since I've got into tf over the past 6 to 9 months it's had a detrimental effect on our relationship and he's been feeling entirely unfulfilled.

Stems down to me actually being settled and content and yeah I'm different. He says I'm not the same girl he fell in love with. Well no shit sherlock, that's because you fell in love with an emotional wreck on a rebound 3 years ago. Now I'm actually aware of myself and reasonably content, he's unfulfilled. Me thinks it's jealousy. I just hope it passes.

[death-hendry.livejournal.com]

You ought to say to him what Prowl said to Jazz in my fic.
'Take all or take nothing'.
If he's like Jazz, he'll take all. If he's an aft, he needs to get over himself.

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Have I read this fic... *needs to go and read again* 0.0 and that is a very good point too thanks :)

[skylar-matthews.livejournal.com]

I know this is a /WAY/ late comment on this but this is my family to a 't' only it wasn't any one thing but everything I ever liked. I was only "allowed" to like something (and not be ridiculed about it) if someone else in the family had gotten me interested in it (or I pretended they did.) They tried to do even worse mind games too but ironically the thing that kept me 'sane' was my fandoms (one major, a few minor) and online friends so I very much advocate these things as positives.

Also, if someone wants you to stop doing something that makes you happy (and doesn't wreck you or others) then they aren't worth your time. I'm still working on following this one myself but my life has been so much nicer since moving out and not needing to hide my interests even at home.

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Heh it's alright now. I got dumped anyway about four years ago with his last words being: 'you need to learn to stop relying on other people to make you happy'. He was an emotionally manipulative jerk face and I'm better off without. Since then I've emigrated lived with friends and on my own and I still write and ship robots. He is still in the same place living with the girl he was probably seeing behind my back in the same house in the same job. Now who relies on others to make them happy? ^^