***meme***

[wicked3659]

Okay, I ganked this from antepathy , because I can. Nuff said. Prepare for the uninteresting *drum rolls*

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

This one is a toughy as I over think everything, but here goes.

Okay confession. Would you believe that I've spent the whole day thinking of this one, well actually that's pretty much expected me being obsess o girl! 

Right here goes.... *nervous*

My confession is; I am afraid.

Ha HA sounds normal doesn't it? Well I'm not afraid of things like other people, spiders I can hold and have, snakes, bugs all manner of them. I'm not afraid of heights, I've climbed mountains free style so that would be something I would know, I'm not afraid of small spaces, open spaces, water, cats, dogs (their barking makes me tense though, I was bitten by two at the same time so that's just natural), no beasties or birdies, strangers in the street, stuff like that. No none of those things.

Me, I'm afraid of being found out. I am afraid of everyday things, talking to people, meeting new people, potentially having to shake their hands (I take part in company audits this is a given). Using phones, the dark, clowns, being sociable, admitting too much (massive fail here), being told I've failed in anything!

I'm afraid of confrontation, that I might upset or offend someone, especially my friends. I'm afraid I'll do something wrong, if I get to do something new, you'll never see me trembling but I am, oh but I am. I'm terrible at explaining things because I'm afraid it will come out wrong and I'll look stupid. I'm afraid that work colleagues will think I'm lazy because there's simply not the work to do at the moment, I'm afraid someone will make me do math, I cannot count in my head to save my life! And that they may laugh at me.

I'm afraid that one day, my good luck will run out and although I am a good driver a lorry will tip over on the motorway and splat me dead on the way home. I'm afraid I'll get a phonecall telling me something has happened to someone I love and care about, (including the cat).

I'm afraid of being too scared to take chances and yet it turns out I can be rather impulsive and I love adrenaline sports and the stuff that scares other people doesn't scare me. I asked a friend once if she thought about any of this stuff and she simply said no, I just don't think about it and I ... simply couldn't understand how or why she didn't think about it.

This stuff and more goes through my head, every minute of every day. My close friends know it makes me struggle with severe paranoia, it certainly doesn't help it now does it? The biggest fear, is that someone will find out that beneath my hard face, and stand offishness (that's me upon initial meeting), that I'm soft as shit and terrified that they'll find out I'm terrified and will send me back to doing something menial and not requiring the use of one's brain.

Oh and I'm also rather scared of clowns it's called claunophobia and is an actual fear. I mean god damned why would you want to paint a freaky ass smile on your face and pretend to be something you're not, because it has never made me laugh!! *shudders*

Okay I'm going to go and be afraid that you all think I'm crazy now (more so than before).

Thanks for reading my 10 day meme :)

Comments

[eerian_sadow]

*hugs and does not think you are any crazier than before*

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Ha ha still just crazy then :3 *hugs*

[eerian_sadow]

*hugs* yes, but i like crazy. ^_^

[ultharkitty.livejournal.com]

Clowns are freakin' scary (I also get freaked out by those cartoon character costumes people wear to entertain small children, the ones with the massively oversized heads).

*hugs* I can sympathise with being afriad, and the worries. And I don't think you're crazy. (Hell, I'm scared of this meme, which is why I haven't been reading or commenting for the most part. Brains are weird sometimes :( )

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

I know right! *hugs back* I just dont understand the thinking behind wanting to be a clown *cringes*

It's alright to think I'm a little crazy :3 but I'm glad someone understands how it feels

[ultharkitty.livejournal.com]

I don't get the clown thing either.

:)

[bluetaelon.livejournal.com]

Honey, if thats crazy then most of the people I know and love are crazy too:)

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

Being crazy ain't so bad :3 he he

[bluetaelon.livejournal.com]

Nope, makes life more interesting:)

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

It most certainly does :D

[rachieb1807.livejournal.com]

Phobophobia is the fear of being afraid...according to Wiki Answers.

I don't think you are crazy.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_phobia_is_the_fear_of_being_afraid or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phobophobia

[renegadewriter8.livejournal.com]

I so get where you're coming from. *hugs*

[mmouse15.livejournal.com]

In the midst of my depression, this was me. I was afraid of anything new, I was afraid to venture outside, I was afraid to go to family get-togethers (justifiably afraid, too), I hated going to the post office and grocery because then I had to decide things...

So, no, you're not crazy. I really understand worrying about everything and second-guessing yourself.

*hugs*

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

*nods* depression does make everyday things seem that much harder. It's good to know folks out there do understand though, I've always been made to feel like a freak or a burden before now

*hugs*