RL post of irrelevance.
Aug. 15th, 2013 11:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wicked3659 Well it's been a while since I've written anything here or anywhere regarding my personal issues. A friend told me that I should write about my issues that it helps just to write them down. I don't know how much that's true but I'm willing to try anything (most things) at this point.
I don't really know where to start... let's begin with stuff everybody who knows me is probably aware of already.
I struggle with my feelings. Expressing them in almost any form is difficult. I tend to get ranty/angry frequently and then hate myself for it for days, sometimes weeks later. I think a lot of my inability to express myself comes from never being able to when younger. I thought I'd started breaking through the walls I'd built up around myself a couple of years ago. Therapy honestly helped me become more in touch with my feelings but at what cost?
I feel like a lot of the time, I have no rights to be miserable. That I shouldn't complain because someone almost certainly has it worse than I do. That is a guarantee. I want to help people especially those closest to me. I've tried in the past and it's been an abject failure, to the point where I've had to walk away from situations for the good of whatever I have left that is remotely close to sanity. This has made me feel like a failure. It's not anybody else's fault but my own. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I know I'm not supposed to be responsible for everybody else's happiness above my own well being. I wish it was a feeling I could control but it requires conscious effort that I don't always have the energy to keep up with. A lot of my energy goes into teaching, trying to be nice and approachable yet firm teacher and not let the crazy pants side of me out. I manage this for the most part even though it's contrary to my comfort zone. There's just no place for such issues at work in my opinion. Especially when working with young children. I am responsible for them for the time they are with me and that forces me to remain calm collected and in control.
I really thought moving countries would help my disposition. It was a new start, new surroundings, a chance to leave old hang ups behind. Was I running away? Possibly. I don't regret moving though and it was an informed choice and decision I made so I don't think at all it was running.
More grasping at an opportunity that won't wait around for you. Coming to Singapore though I seem to have developed a whole new set of hang ups. Or old issues have become more pronounced. The ups and downs are definitely more noticeable here. I can have highs and lows on a daily basis when my moods used to be more stable for longer periods. I think maybe it's a way the brain adjusts. The environment here never changes. The weather rarely changes. There are no seasons. The sun sets and rises at the same time give or take thirty minutes or so every single day. Back in the UK there waa always the weather or the cold or the government or public transport to complain about. Here nothing really changes. I've as a result of this become almost obsessed with negative influences around me. Racism being a big one. Racism principally towards foreigners. The complete lack of manners and courtesy here for another. Or even how I miss seeing the stars due to light pollution. These are all trivial issues I know but they are always nagging at me, on my mind. The racism and lack of manners makes me very irritable and edgy. It's very easy to isolate yourself in a place like Singapore. Especially when you're more aware that any one person you meet could be harbouring resentment towards you just because you're a foreigner. It's very easy to be another nameless face swallowed up in the concrete and to stop even trying to get a decent or respectful response from people.
My friend says that I seem to like being miserable. I don't think this is true. I think perhaps that being miserable is a comfort, or a safe zone for me. If I'm happy there's always the chance I could the thing making me happy taken away from me. If I don't expect anything then I can't be disappointed right? Also it helps that my colleague tells me he goes through similar ups and downs with regards to living in this country. Singapore has a lot of plus points, it's clean and safe and sunny and warm and everything is accessible and efficient and food is cheap here but sometimes the down sides for foreigners can out weigh the good parts. You forget about the good parts.
Another problem I have is that I don't want to go on pills for my depression. How will I know if it's me? How will I know if I'm better? Can I trust any of the drugs they give me? Well having worked in pharmaceutical manufacture for near on ten years I can safely say yes and yet there is a degree of healthy open minded skepticism one should always employ when considering medication for mental health issues. To me I would feel like I was giving up on the little girl that I used to be. I was happy, chatty and jovial as a youngster believe it or not... I'm not sure what age it stopped. I was always a deep thinker so maybe thinking too much just took it's toll. In the UK though I exercised. Be it cycling or going to the gym three times a week or martial arts or volunteering, I got out and did it. Here, it's very expensive.
I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for the new virgin active gym opening up in Raffles place. Yeah it's pricey but it comes with full gym facilities, plus pampering facilities like massages and classes are included too. I'm sure I can find a routine to suit me especially as it's brand new. Also I want to swim. I'm not a strong or good swimmer. I can do a length, doggy paddle style, I have small lungs and my stamina just isn't suited to swimming but I'm told it's good for all round fitness and for achy joints which I am suffering a lot of here. I'm hoping to go with a friend in the hope that the more exercise I do the more relaxed I'll be, the better I'll feel (my bank account will hate me) but mentally my issues should improve. It's taking control and I so desperately need control right now.
In the UK I had my car, my flat, my friends, my job, my mum. Here I have a couple of friends, and a flat. My new job I don't even know if it'll suit me, will I like it, will there be racism there too??? It's all a build up of apprehension at the moment and waiting in limbo for change to occur. I don't drive here. It's too expensive. So I'm in the middle of the public on the trains or the buses everyday. It's not so bad sometimes and you can tune them out but for someone who doesn't like throngs of people... uncomfortable making.
So yeah, I've spent all day formulating this post and typing it up realising all I've done is whine about stuff and still I feel no better. Yes, I'm not going through anything tragic or emotionally really difficult, that's been and gone with the family drama. My younger brother pretty much disowned the lot of us. We've never been good enough for him which sometimes weighs on my mind. With all that's going on in the big wide world why am I even bothering writing this knowing I actually have the freedom to write it, the utilities, the technology to share it when so many don't even have safe places to call home. I feel probably slightly worse when I line up what my problems are and yet finding the energy just to get myself out of bed to face the day is on some days nigh on impossible.
I just don't have enough spoons!
It doesn't help when on such a day you do manage to dress yourself, drag yourself out and face the world only for some guy who, probably being chivalrous as he was Indian, offered me his seat, which was a reserved seat for elderly, disabled and pregnant women. I'm certainly not the first two :( Doesn't help when you then ask your colleague who is also an insecure woman and you think she might understand, whether you actually look pregnant in what you're wearing and she replies; 'slightly'. Then at the end of the day when you've tried not to let it bother you or cry in the closet because... kids about, she holds your stomach and asks you how many months? >:[ No. Words.
She almost got slapped. I did swear. There was just no need and you don't do that to somebody who's obviously sensitive about this issue. You just drop it, right??
Oh, that would be that common courtesy/decent thing to do wouldn't it?
Yeah.
I just want to cry. I really hope something changes for the good soon, my decision about whether to move on from Singapore or not is pending on how my new job goes. I'm really trying my best to hold out hope. Something which is as you've guessed, difficult for me. Oh ye of little faith that I am.
*sad sigh*
I have no idea what this was supposed to accomplish. Maybe just that somebody somewhere will read and nod their head in understanding.
I have simply not enough spoons.
I don't really know where to start... let's begin with stuff everybody who knows me is probably aware of already.
I struggle with my feelings. Expressing them in almost any form is difficult. I tend to get ranty/angry frequently and then hate myself for it for days, sometimes weeks later. I think a lot of my inability to express myself comes from never being able to when younger. I thought I'd started breaking through the walls I'd built up around myself a couple of years ago. Therapy honestly helped me become more in touch with my feelings but at what cost?
I feel like a lot of the time, I have no rights to be miserable. That I shouldn't complain because someone almost certainly has it worse than I do. That is a guarantee. I want to help people especially those closest to me. I've tried in the past and it's been an abject failure, to the point where I've had to walk away from situations for the good of whatever I have left that is remotely close to sanity. This has made me feel like a failure. It's not anybody else's fault but my own. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I know I'm not supposed to be responsible for everybody else's happiness above my own well being. I wish it was a feeling I could control but it requires conscious effort that I don't always have the energy to keep up with. A lot of my energy goes into teaching, trying to be nice and approachable yet firm teacher and not let the crazy pants side of me out. I manage this for the most part even though it's contrary to my comfort zone. There's just no place for such issues at work in my opinion. Especially when working with young children. I am responsible for them for the time they are with me and that forces me to remain calm collected and in control.
I really thought moving countries would help my disposition. It was a new start, new surroundings, a chance to leave old hang ups behind. Was I running away? Possibly. I don't regret moving though and it was an informed choice and decision I made so I don't think at all it was running.
More grasping at an opportunity that won't wait around for you. Coming to Singapore though I seem to have developed a whole new set of hang ups. Or old issues have become more pronounced. The ups and downs are definitely more noticeable here. I can have highs and lows on a daily basis when my moods used to be more stable for longer periods. I think maybe it's a way the brain adjusts. The environment here never changes. The weather rarely changes. There are no seasons. The sun sets and rises at the same time give or take thirty minutes or so every single day. Back in the UK there waa always the weather or the cold or the government or public transport to complain about. Here nothing really changes. I've as a result of this become almost obsessed with negative influences around me. Racism being a big one. Racism principally towards foreigners. The complete lack of manners and courtesy here for another. Or even how I miss seeing the stars due to light pollution. These are all trivial issues I know but they are always nagging at me, on my mind. The racism and lack of manners makes me very irritable and edgy. It's very easy to isolate yourself in a place like Singapore. Especially when you're more aware that any one person you meet could be harbouring resentment towards you just because you're a foreigner. It's very easy to be another nameless face swallowed up in the concrete and to stop even trying to get a decent or respectful response from people.
My friend says that I seem to like being miserable. I don't think this is true. I think perhaps that being miserable is a comfort, or a safe zone for me. If I'm happy there's always the chance I could the thing making me happy taken away from me. If I don't expect anything then I can't be disappointed right? Also it helps that my colleague tells me he goes through similar ups and downs with regards to living in this country. Singapore has a lot of plus points, it's clean and safe and sunny and warm and everything is accessible and efficient and food is cheap here but sometimes the down sides for foreigners can out weigh the good parts. You forget about the good parts.
Another problem I have is that I don't want to go on pills for my depression. How will I know if it's me? How will I know if I'm better? Can I trust any of the drugs they give me? Well having worked in pharmaceutical manufacture for near on ten years I can safely say yes and yet there is a degree of healthy open minded skepticism one should always employ when considering medication for mental health issues. To me I would feel like I was giving up on the little girl that I used to be. I was happy, chatty and jovial as a youngster believe it or not... I'm not sure what age it stopped. I was always a deep thinker so maybe thinking too much just took it's toll. In the UK though I exercised. Be it cycling or going to the gym three times a week or martial arts or volunteering, I got out and did it. Here, it's very expensive.
I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for the new virgin active gym opening up in Raffles place. Yeah it's pricey but it comes with full gym facilities, plus pampering facilities like massages and classes are included too. I'm sure I can find a routine to suit me especially as it's brand new. Also I want to swim. I'm not a strong or good swimmer. I can do a length, doggy paddle style, I have small lungs and my stamina just isn't suited to swimming but I'm told it's good for all round fitness and for achy joints which I am suffering a lot of here. I'm hoping to go with a friend in the hope that the more exercise I do the more relaxed I'll be, the better I'll feel (my bank account will hate me) but mentally my issues should improve. It's taking control and I so desperately need control right now.
In the UK I had my car, my flat, my friends, my job, my mum. Here I have a couple of friends, and a flat. My new job I don't even know if it'll suit me, will I like it, will there be racism there too??? It's all a build up of apprehension at the moment and waiting in limbo for change to occur. I don't drive here. It's too expensive. So I'm in the middle of the public on the trains or the buses everyday. It's not so bad sometimes and you can tune them out but for someone who doesn't like throngs of people... uncomfortable making.
So yeah, I've spent all day formulating this post and typing it up realising all I've done is whine about stuff and still I feel no better. Yes, I'm not going through anything tragic or emotionally really difficult, that's been and gone with the family drama. My younger brother pretty much disowned the lot of us. We've never been good enough for him which sometimes weighs on my mind. With all that's going on in the big wide world why am I even bothering writing this knowing I actually have the freedom to write it, the utilities, the technology to share it when so many don't even have safe places to call home. I feel probably slightly worse when I line up what my problems are and yet finding the energy just to get myself out of bed to face the day is on some days nigh on impossible.
I just don't have enough spoons!
It doesn't help when on such a day you do manage to dress yourself, drag yourself out and face the world only for some guy who, probably being chivalrous as he was Indian, offered me his seat, which was a reserved seat for elderly, disabled and pregnant women. I'm certainly not the first two :( Doesn't help when you then ask your colleague who is also an insecure woman and you think she might understand, whether you actually look pregnant in what you're wearing and she replies; 'slightly'. Then at the end of the day when you've tried not to let it bother you or cry in the closet because... kids about, she holds your stomach and asks you how many months? >:[ No. Words.
She almost got slapped. I did swear. There was just no need and you don't do that to somebody who's obviously sensitive about this issue. You just drop it, right??
Oh, that would be that common courtesy/decent thing to do wouldn't it?
Yeah.
I just want to cry. I really hope something changes for the good soon, my decision about whether to move on from Singapore or not is pending on how my new job goes. I'm really trying my best to hold out hope. Something which is as you've guessed, difficult for me. Oh ye of little faith that I am.
*sad sigh*
I have no idea what this was supposed to accomplish. Maybe just that somebody somewhere will read and nod their head in understanding.
I have simply not enough spoons.
no subject
Date: 2013-08-15 05:10 pm (UTC)I'd've definitely slapped that woman. Just, uncalled for and not even REMOTELY funny. >:[