RL, RL, RL...

[wicked3659]

The passage of time is a funny old thing. Here I was thinking it wasn't that long since my last update and yet I last updated in May and oh how much things change.



Perceptions of people change in such a short amount of time we don't even realise it. People come and go out of our lives some of them willingly others not so much, but change I have come to realise is a near constant in all our lives and yet so many of us are afraid of it, me included.

So what's new for me, I don't hear you asking? Well first of all, I have a new niece. She's called Sophie and is beautiful. I haven't been to see her yet because my brother lives on the other side of the country but one day soon I hope. Everybody is having babies or is pregnant at the moment, so many people I know are having, had or about to have a new little life in theirs. I admire this, I really do because I don't think there's anything that scares me more than having somebody completely depend on me for everything. That responsibility even if I just consider the weight of it for a moment is, crushing.

I am no longer seeing my therapist. It was going well and I enjoyed having somebody I could talk to, organise my thoughts better and she made a few good points and helped me with some things but then about two months ago she wanted to focus on my dad. Then she went on holiday and I had some time to gather my thoughts on the matter. My conclusions were; to never go back to her. For all that my dad was and did, there's nothing that can be done to change that. Yes there was damage caused and yes I have plenty of issues because of him thank you very much, but also I have a few strengths that have made me the person I am today - which apparently isn't so bad or so I'm told. Instead I did something different. 

Now for those who don't know, my dad died 10 years ago this year on October 13th. Ten years, sounds like such a long time doesn't it? But that day, that hour, that minute he left us, it's etched in my mind clearer than what I did an hour ago and probably will be forever more. That in itself has created many issues surrounding loss and faith in something more and fear of death and what comes after and the unknown. What I'm saying is; it feels like yesterday, like I'm somehow still that 18 year old girl holding her dad's hand as he takes his final breath. He didn't have an easy life and he wasn't that well liked if I'm honest and he was a bastard but in ways I can't explain on here, he wasn't an evil guy, he wasn't a bad man just.... messed up. Not an excuse for him by any means merely an acceptance of the flawed being he was. Now when he died, we couldn't afford a grave stone, still can't those things you need to rob a bank to buy. I did have a marble slab I was given free from a quarry ten years ago though and some ideas. 

Now my mum, bless her, is the last person who should have wanted to help me with this but I needed to do it. Closure maybe? I don't know but for ten years my dad has lain in an unmarked grave and only I have visited him, sometimes with my mum because she was in the car at the time but still. How sad is it to see these beautiful gardens and stones for tiny babies who barely took a first breath standing tall beside the empty, desolate grave of a man who if nothing else helped give life to 6 people some of whom went off and gave life to their own children, including the new baby Sophie? So I went to the garden centre got me some plants, my marble slab and some tools and my mum and I went to do something about it. It's not much to look at but, now my dad has a garden and for some reason I can't even begin to fathom the moment this was done it was like a weight had been lifted and for the first time in ten years when I thought about my dad, I could smile. No matter what he'd done, I didn't think he deserved to be forgotten, is that wrong, naive of me? Too sentimental maybe?

Perhaps. Though in the end it was probably more for me than it was for him. It's a door on a chapter in my life I can hopefully, finally close.

 
Like I said it's not much but it has already grown some, I need to tidy it up, this shall be done soon and a plaque will be afixed to the marble on the concrete (big marble bit is adjacent gravestone).

Anyways, that's enough of that issue. I seem to be getting far more emotional in my old age :p I tear up at RSPCA adverts now, hell I got weepie watching the film Speed yesterday, I'm worried some sort of emotional flood gate has opened in my brain 0_0;;

There are still things in my life I can't and won't talk about on here that make me sad from time to time. Usually when I have too much time on my hands to think like now, some of you will know what neuroses won't let me sleep but I have hope that things happen for a reason, maybe I just can't see it yet? 

I'm still doing my piano lessons. She's putting me in for my grade one in September :) I'm thrilled and terrified at the same time. 

I also had a visit from ante_luce which was a lot of fun. I showed her parts of Liverpool and we ventured over to Auto assembly and bought lots of arts and toys and things and met Michael Bell and other VA's and met some really cool people from LJ and beyond and had a good time. Then there was Jodrell bank and the safari park with baboons crawling over my car and camel blockades and very bold ducks ^_^;; I hope you had a good time ante_luce, I certainly enjoyed having you here :) *glomps*

In less than exciting news, I didn't get a permanent job at work. I applied I messed up, my colleague got one which was deserved but somebody else got one who didn't apply and although I'm pleased for them and they work hard, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to your confidence and self esteem. Especially when every decision you make is suddenly rejected and/or questioned. I'm really beginning to question my career path. :( 

To distract myself and in closing I have applied to do a BTEC Level 1 Graphic design course, night classes at my local college and hopefully Mandarin night classes will start up again in October, so with them and my piano I hopefully won't have time to think and get weepy. If all else fails I can just go to the gym and push through the pain with exercise pain ^_^;; My plans are still a go for Singapore moving but I'm not having much luck on the job front there either. My confidence is feeling somewhat like the job market punch bag at the moment.

Things have changed regarding people too. Due to some introspection I had, I came to the realisation that I am for the most part, quite difficult and unlikeable - how else do you explain all my ex's leaving and finding someone who loves them? Common denominator in that, is me. Maybe I'm just not meant to be the girl to settle down with. I can live with that if I get to keep those friends closest to me in my life. My only wish is that they were all closer and real hugs - which I'm becoming strangely fond of - were a possibility.



Yeah I know I'm a sad sack *eyeroll*

Comments

[niyazi-a.livejournal.com]

But I'm still here, Wocket. I've known you for longer than just about anyone and gosh I wish you could see yourself as I saw you: smart, hardworking, driven, with an inCREDIBLY level head, talented, and forthright and loyal.

[wicked3659.livejournal.com]

I know, and I do wonder most days how you put up with my whining ^_^;;

Maybe one day I will? But for now I just think you're biased :p *hugs*

[eerian_sadow]

so much has happened between RL updates, huh? *hugs* i'm glad you're finding closure with you dad. And yay for piano! i do hope for good grades for you. ^_^

and i'm dead sure that you'll get something in the job department. the right job just hasn't appeared yet. *hugs*

and remember, i like you for who you are. i think you're wonderful and wouldn't trade you for anyone.

[rachieb1807.livejournal.com]

I'm still here, always will be. You are a huge part of my life and I often wonder what I would do without you. Love you hun xxx

[ayngelcat.livejournal.com]

I loved meeting you at AA and it's great getting to know you a bit better. I'm really glad you wrote this post.

It sounds like what you did with your Dad's grave gave you some strength and closure and direction. As well as the arrival of your niece. That's awesome. Not finding a relationship that suits doesn't mean you are unloveable. We live in a culture which is, at times full of 'couple-hype,' which does not help, but having many close people instead of one 'special' one can be equally fulfilling.

I wish you luck on the job front, and with all else, anyway :-)

[bookworm-faith.livejournal.com]

When you hit Singapore I promise to visit and give real hugs. Until then, have all my internet ones *cuddles*

[thousanth.livejournal.com]

We don't talk as much as many of your other friends, but I've always considered you to be such a kind and nice person. I like interacting with you anyway!

I'm very glad for you that you've found some closure regarding your dad, that must be such a relief.

Best of luck on the job front! *hugs*

[renegadewriter8.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found some closure, it's a really nice thing you did with the marble slab ^^ Congrats on your niece! Good luck on your piano, you'll do fine *hugs*

We don't talk much but you're an awesome person to me ^^ Lots of hugs and the best of wishes!

[mmouse15.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Congratulations on a new mamber of the family; Sophie is a lovely name.

It sounds like you've outgrown that therapist, TBH, and focusing on your dad when there are other things isn't helpful. I'm glad your mum was able to help you, and that you've found a measure of peace regarding his gravesite.

I, too, go through periods after a cleansing when I randomly cry over nothing. It rather feels like I'm letting the poison out through my tears, and I'm always better when the crying jags are done.

Hurray for visits from friends! I hope you and ante_luce had a great time together.

Well, slag on the job end. That sucks, but maybe it wasn't the right job for you and something better will come along.

No, you're not unlikable or difficult. You are an introvert, very supportive of your friends, and dealing with difficult things in your life. Focus on you and on liking yourself, and the rest will flow. Yeah, I know, I make that sound so easy, but it's not and I know it. I think you can do it, though, because you're strong and smart and dedicated.

*hugs*

[ultharkitty.livejournal.com]

The BTEC course sounds really good, I hope it helps open up new opportunities, and is as fun as it looks :)

[vejiraziel.livejournal.com]

I don't have much to say I haven't told you over gchat already, so I'll just settle for sending good vibes and hope things look up and you get the closure you need. *hugs lots* :P<3