wicked3659 | Baby Steps (Reply)

He he he, so alright it's been just short of three months since I became single. Past couple of months have been some of the hardest of my life. Random crying fits, anger, utter loneliness. I feel I should explain, as I'm in that sort of mood and I can't afford a therapist ^_^;;

I have been in a relationship, since I was 15. Not the same guy but all of them long term relationships, or at least I tried to make them that way. Shortest being 2 years so you can work out how many from there, this isn't a totting up post, don't worry. The fact of it is; I pretty much grew up being somebody's something. I went through life changing events, such as dad dying, university, college, jobs, moving house all as somebody's girlfriend.

I was always me and someone, or someone and me.

What's this got to do with anything you ask? Well, first of all, I never really developed my own sense of individuality. I was a very inward teenager, I didn't have many friends until I went to college, introverted quiet, angry at the world. Childhood was difficult, school was a place to be mocked in for me, I've always immersed myself in my arts or my writing, mostly writing and my boyfriends.

When I was younger, I was more affectionate, but I've never been the most affectionate or couply, my friends can attest to that. As I matured I lost that need, I don't come from a very close or affectionate family, I love my mum but she's never coddled me or been breathing over my shoulder, she's always let me make my own decisions, make my own mistakes even if sometimes I found it infuriating and wanted more input.

I'm already indecisive, if she'd given in and made my decisions for me, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Where am I now, so for the first time in 11 years almost 12; I am no longer somebody's girlfriend. It was crippling at first, like truly not wanting to breathe, get out of bed sort of pain. I only got through it because I have the most understanding and loving friends that, even if it was only verbal, pretty much dragged me out of bed in a morning. Gave me things to look forward, distractions, and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on (or type to ^_^).

I forced myself to keep working, keep seeing my friends, when all I wanted was to curl up and die. I hated to have been so dependent on one person, one person that wasn't me. I felt utterly spent. I've allowed myself a little pride through the years, that I can drive, I earn my own money, I rent my own flat far enough away from friends and family that they can't just pop round. I can cook (even if I don't like it) and I pay all my own bills have almost paid all my debts bar my student loan and can be classed as a mature and independent 26 year old woman.

I did that myself. I've never had that safety net, or at least I didn't think I had. I had been kidding myself since I was 15. My dad wasn't the father I would have wished upon anyone, he wasn't a nice man in all truth and I pretty much used my boyfriends to fill a gap, a need I never realised I had. Someone male in my life to control, someone to adore and love me back. Love all I ever wanted was to be loved.

Now I'm not the greatest of girlfriends but I wasn't the worst and I did try in my own way, it just wasn't enough and now I why. I didn't love myself enough, I didn't even like myself enough to be able to be involved in a balanced caring relationship. I've never been inclined to marry and I never want children, not for any reason other than I simply don't want them. That may make me abnormal but I don't care, that's what my heart tells me and that will probably mean I'll remain on my own and you know what?

That's perfectly fine by me. ^_^

Last week, I think it was last week, I woke up and I just didn't hurt (much) anymore. I have friends who love me, (more than I ever thought I deserved), I still have all those things I mentioned above, and I can cook. It may not mean much to any of you, but I don't like cooking for myself. I have a limited pallette and suffer food phobia occasionally, anxiety and food don't mix. When I was with my boyfriend, I discovered the most wonderful dish I'd ever tasted.

Thai green chicken curry.

One of the things I honestly cried over was the fact I may never taste it again, as I can't eat spicy food and it's always too spicy in restuarants. So today to me is thai green curry day. I spent my Sunday morning buying all my ingredients, chilis, lemon grass, ginger, limes, garlic, green beans, coriander, coconut milk, a new set of kitchen scales (can you believe I've never owned scales?), a new can opener (never owned one of them either) and I made myself my very own thai green chicken curry (it was actually turkey as I misread the label but it's healthier so yey!).

Below is the fruits of my labour! ^_^ Please be kind.

This is the pan of goodness those are green beans you can see ^_^

This is my food for the rest of the week, one more for dinner the rest for lunch at work, yummy! I even had enough of the sauce left over to make some sort of soup with later.

And this is my dinner ^_^ and it was wonderful. And it tasted so different and yet so scrumptious. Go me!!1

So the lesson learned here. Who needs a man to be happy? Not bloody me! Well sure it'd be nice, sometimes, I guess but I made thai green (turkey) curry tonight and it was delicious. And I did it all by myself. Maybe not a big thing for anyone of you but to me, this is a step in the right direction and it's made me smile like an idiot. ^___^

Now I'm going to run off to post my next ProwlxJazz prompt. That challenge also happened for me at just the right time.

Thanks for reading my random RL babble. *returns to lurking*